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Friendship can’t depend solely on motivation, it has to depend on meaning and duty.”

Hey Reader,

Most people treat friendship like a mood.
They wait to feel social.
To feel talkative.
To feel like showing up.

But if you only connect when you’re motivated, you’ll almost never connect.

Everyone bails sometimes, even me, your Friendship Guy.
I skip dinners when I’m tired.
I bail on kids’ birthday parties when I have to cross the 405 (Angelenos understand this).
I’ve mysteriously come down with bounce-house-itis.

But here’s what’s changed since I've made friendship my mission: I don’t make those calls as often anymore because I'm looking at those moments through a new lens. The older I get, the more I realize friendship can’t run on motivation.
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It has to run on meaning.
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On duty.
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On identity.

And nobody understands duty better than a certain royal.

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👑 The Friend

Princess Anne isn’t the flashiest royal, but she’s the anchor of the family.
At 74, she still clocks more official engagements than anyone else, year after year. No entourage. No fanfare. Just relentless consistency.

When asked why she keeps going, she said:

“Keep me busy. I’m here to work. I’m here to do good things. I’m here to meet as many people as possible.”

That line hit me.
She doesn’t do it because she feels like it.
She does it because it needs doing.

That’s the quiet power of duty. We may not be royals, but we all have our version of the calendar that keeps us accountable.
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Even if you’re allergic to crowns and corgis, there’s something missing in how we undervalue that trait: the discipline to just keep showing up.

Friendship works the same way. You don’t need to feel inspired; you just need to remember who you are.

Ask less: “Do I want to go?”
Ask more: “Am I needed?”

Because the moment you ask that, motivation stops mattering.
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🛠️ The Fix

Motivation is a spark. Duty is the generator.
Here’s how to keep your friendships powered even when your social battery is flashing red:

1. Default the plan.​
   Make one hang, call, or text thread that auto-renews.
   Decision fatigue kills connection faster than distance ever will.
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2. Anchor your identity.​
   Stop saying, “I’m trying to be better about keeping in touch.”
   Start saying, “I’m the friend who shows up.”
   Because ‘trying’ keeps things optional. You're here because you recognize friendship isn’t optional.
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3. Run the “Am I needed?” check.​
   When you’re tempted to bail, ask that instead of "do I feel like it?"
   If someone’s counting on you, even a little, go. Researchers call it the “behavior-before-motivation” effect: when you act first, your brain releases dopamine that makes you want to act again. Showing up is the only motivation that creates more of itself.

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🎧 The Reco

This week’s reco is Discipline Equals Freedom by Jocko Willink, a former Navy Seal who somehow makes me feel guilty for waking up too late at 5:30 am.

He says:

“Don’t count on motivation. Count on discipline. Motivation fades. Discipline doesn’t.”

He’s talking about workouts and leadership, but it hit me how much it applies to connection.

Motivation is fickle. Discipline is dependable. Jocko calls it freedom... and he’s right. Because the discipline to keep showing up doesn’t shrink your life; it expands it.

Freedom from guilt. Freedom from drift. Freedom from waiting for the perfect mood to care about the people who matter.

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🎧 Launch Week: The Buddy System

If this hit you, that’s what The Buddy System is about: the habit of showing up.

🎧 Add it to your Audible library: it’s free with a trial and drops tomorrow, Thursday, October 23!

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Until next time,
​Matt Ritter​
​The Friendship Guy

P.S. Forward this to the friend you’ve been meaning to see. It might be the reminder you both need to finally show up.​
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​Would love to have them subscribe and be part of the next 20,000 that join us here!

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