“You don’t need news to call a friend.”​
​(two-minute read)

Reader,

Sometimes I think about calling a friend and realize I have nothing to tell them. Nothing’s changed since we last talked. I’m working, raising kids, watching the Knicks. They know the situation.

So I put it off until I have a better reason to call, which is a strange standard to apply to someone I once spent three hours discussing where to get lunch.

We do this with people we don’t know well, too. You could say something to the other parent at pickup or the neighbor in the elevator, but what would you talk about? The weather?

Apparently, that’ll do.
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🤝 THE FRIEND

​A study published this April had people discuss subjects they considered boring. Across nine experiments involving 1,800 participants, people consistently found those conversations more interesting and enjoyable than they expected—even when both people thought the topic was boring. The finding held with friends and strangers, online and in person.

Some of the topics were math, onions, and Pokémon, so please retire “I wouldn’t know what to talk about” as an excuse.

I’m particularly amused by this because two of my favorite shows of all time, Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm, are built around conversations about nothing. I’ll happily watch an entire episode about a parking space, then decide I need a meaningful life development to call someone I’ve known for twenty years.

Think about what you know about your closest friends. You know the coworker who annoys them, the thing they’re trying to get their kid to eat, and why they’re dreading Thanksgiving. You have follow-up questions about problems that would bore anyone else.

That’s part of being close. You’re familiar with the daily business of being them.

With someone new, an ordinary conversation is how you begin learning those details. You ask about their weekend and discover they play tennis, grew up near you, or spent Sunday assembling an impossible piece of furniture that was missing one screw. Now you have something to ask about the next time you see them.

We expect a conversation to sound worthwhile before we’ve given the other person a chance to participate.

🛠️ THE FIX

This week, don’t talk yourself out of an ordinary conversation.

Call the friend you’ve been waiting to have an update for. “Nothing new, just wanted to see how you’re doing” is a perfectly good reason.

And when there’s a natural opening with someone you don’t know well, ask the ordinary question. You don’t need a better one than “How was your weekend?”

Let the conversation have a chance to be better than you predicted.

🤝 THE RECO

This week: Ari Emanuel’s memoir, Roll the Calls.

Even if you don’t work in entertainment or know anything about the agency business, it’s a fascinating look at someone who worked his way up from the mailroom and learned to navigate the Hollywood minefield. The deals, feuds, enormous personalities, and sheer persistence make for a great read. You can enjoy it without wanting anything to do with the town I call home.

If this made you think of someone, forward it to them. And if a friend forwarded this to you, subscribe to The Friendship Habit here.

See you next Monday,
​
Matt Ritter
​The Friendship Guy

“Friendship is the original life hack.”

🎧 Listen to The Buddy System on Audible​